Another evening of eating EVERYTHING IN SIGHT and zits coming up in places I forgot I owned. 6:20pm and HEY I am so glad I wore old underwear!
Food is an issue in my life. I can drink tons of caffeine with no ill effect but chocolate throws my body into some weird hormonal feedback loop. Nothing goes right for weeks afterwards; I get lumps in my breasts and armpits, cramps, anxiety attacks.
Refined sugar gets the candida albicans happy and suddenly there’s candida everywhere, taking up space and trying to tell me what to do. It’s on my tongue, my skin, my fingernails and it’s poking the bottom of my brain making me crave more sugar. My moods get unpredictable and my armpits stink. Bleah.
Meat upsets my belly and I wind up with gas that would embarrass a flat-faced dog. I don’t even want to talk about what gluten does to my body. I have to be cautious about food every day, any time I handle food or think about eating. The majority of what most people eat is some form of food poisoning to me. Do you have any idea how much that sucks?!
Focusing on the positive: hey, I figured out all this diet problem and my health is fantastic as a result. It’s worth it to work within this structure, these limitations. *sigh* This is totally true, and yet still a drag. People celebrate fucking EVERYTHING with frosted cakes, muffins, bagels and chocolates. I get to celebrate by breathing and making no eye contact.
I grapple with this reality any time I have a close call or cheat a little. There’s 150 people in one room, all partaking in food and I have to engage the people without participating in the food or drink. It’s not safe for me – what do you do when a place isn’t safe? Don’t you leave? But what about when you need to be there, and it’s only, you know, food. A party. Not like someone’s spraying the room with bullets.
Thanksgiving and my birthday are days I eat sweets – cheating a little makes the discipline easier to bear. I just don’t enjoy it much anymore, knowing what the aftereffects may be.
Staying positive is a lovely discipline and really effective. Why do I feel like it’s just medicine? Bitter, slimy, weird medicine? I guess right now I can blame the aftereffects of chocolate and sugar, but I know this extends past. I want to be unique but not in such a tiresome way.