Sadness of a Wednesday

Wednesday was a perfect day. I woke up nervous and tense, and by end of day I was steeped in sadness and all the feelings that had caused that sadness.

Luckily, I had the house to myself when I got home. I put down my bag and walked into the woods, visited the creek, then back up the hill. Visited my dog’s empty grave (coyote dug up his body) and talked to him for awhile. It was starting to get a little dark, so I wandered to the drive and back to the house. Steeping in sadness was the only cure for that sadness.

I was stunned to learn that there are people who never feel sadness. They take no responsibility for anything, just bowl their way thru life taking what they need without any regrets. If you’re having a bad day, they get irritated. “So what?” if something sad happened to you. They don’t care and it didn’t happen to them and if it did, they would ignore it. I met a fellow like this when I was going thru a hard time. I didn’t amuse him, so I didn’t know him for long. What happens to people like this when someone close to them dies? Anything? Is anyone close to them at all? Maybe they’re incapable of any reflection or remorse at all. Maybe that guy was an ordinary psychopath.

I am closer to understanding that concept of life being a process rather than a goal. A friend posted today that what goals you achieve are not as important as who you become as you work to achieve them. So here I’m taking voice lessons and wondering what the bleep I’m going to do with my newfound voice and there it is – who I am becoming as a vocal student is more important than the voice I’m developing.

I thought when I was young that natural impulses would get me what I needed and wanted in life. The older I get, the more deliberate I have to be. I decide everything after reviewing my impulses and tendencies and feelings. It’s artificial, it’s artifice, it’s art. I create my life, not stumbling from one need to another, but by considered, rational thought and willpower.

What can you say? Nothing is what it seems to be. Love is not an emotion; love is a series of decisions based in hope and faith. Diets aren’t for losing weight, diets are tailoring for health. And goals are a learning process, not, you know, goals.

My goals for today included running 5 to 8 miles. I took a leisurely morning and now cold rain has begun. What does that mean for my processing of self? I haven’t a clue.


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