Fallen Down

I have fallen down. I find that everything in my life is crumbling and realize that I quit doing the positive self-talk. It’s a little thing and its effect in my life is HUGE. HYOOOOOJ.

Without it, without the Personal Happy Brain Coach, I just deny myself and deny myself more until I’m just about to freefall into The Pit of Despair. (Mine has less light and zero the fun cast.) I eat instead of acknowledging feelings. Then I won’t reach out when I need a hug. Then I won’t let myself go to the bathroom until my bladder is about to burst. Then I quit exercising. Then I start blaming myself for every little thing that goes wrong. Then I begin to believe that no one loves me.

The fall is slow at first. It gets faster and faster the longer it goes – just as tho ruled by gravity.

What happened?  Well:

  • I had to lay out a lot of money to repair my aging car, to replace my cell phone, and to hospitalize my beloved cat when she got hit by a car.
  • My cat got hit by a car.  The person who found her and brought her to me is someone I have had to forgive for an egregious error in judgement.
  • I no longer have the money buffer that allowed me to feel at ease with my bills.
  • I let my boyfriend live with me for free.  I was having fun until some internet meme told me I was being taken in, and I believed it.
  • I got criticized for the arrangement of my house.
  • We had lay-offs at work; one of my best friends was walked out the door.
  • I can’t figure out how to get my microphone to work with my computer, so I haven’t been able to record like I want to.
  • My house needs to be rewired, I have a capable friend who has offered to do, but I haven’t bothered to measure yet.
  • My daughter chastised me at length for forgiving the friend.
  • I was late to help set up at UU church. Twice.
  • A beloved friend of mine almost died during her second-to-last chemo treatment, due to allergic reaction to the cocktail.
  • I promised to try a new thing but I’m dreading it and questioning my promise.
  • I forgot to take off the day after Thanksgiving to spend it with my daughter.
  • My boss apparently lost her faith in me and speaks to me condescendingly, which she’s never done before. I thought I had a boss who understood the necessity of failing and admitting failure.

The good thing this time is: It wasn’t a complete transition. When I overate, I did remember to review my emotional state and forgive myself. Acknowledged some tough feelings. I understood what was happening when I wouldn’t reach out for a hug. I told myself I will get back on the wagon with exercise, and considered some of my options. I forgave myself for little things that went wrong, did not blow my top, was able to get calm again and continue working.

I need to have a good cry. It’s one of the very hardest things for me to do. And I am working on the positive self-talk again. The It’s OK mantra. The Then-What trek. The Dancing Brain Elf. The Bubbley Coach. The Forgiveness Spirit. The Present-Is-for-Real Guru. The Giggle Enabler. And the It’s-Ok-to-Stomp-on-Leaves-if-You-Want-to Spell.

I came up with a gardening analogy for positive self-talk:  You have to plant the seeds of what you want in your brain, and you have to water them and weed them and grow them.  Good life requires constant maintenance and care.  Without that effort, without the positive self-talk and the self-encouragement and self-care, without choosing to repeat a goal in my mind until it begins to seem possible, without the effort of self-love, everything goes to shit.  Shit is normal, it’s where everything lands if you don’t take care.  And it’s not a bad thing really, it’s just not where I want to live.

So here’s to mantras, to positivity, to love.  🙂  Make it, craft it, weave it, turn it over and look at it from all sides, study the good, bring it up again and look forward to the new good.  Acknowledge the hard things when they come up – they self-represent.  But there’s no purpose to giving them all your attention.  Acknowledge them and get back to paying attention to the good.  Just like a good gardener would.


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