Friend of mine posted about needing to date people who were excited to be with him. Enthusiasm on both sides is necessary to success in a relationship.
This important advice is true of friendships, too. I spent about two years chasing a group of friends. They invited me in at first, and we were all happy together.
I began to realize, they called each other. They did not call me. But they included me. So it was ok, right?
And they made decisions without me. But included me. Perhaps as an afterthought, but still. I got to be there. I did what I was good at, listening actively, offering empathy, joining in on problem solving discussions, sharing my own issues, taking and offering advice.
And they were such cool people! Smart and talented and fun, and they cared about each other and me. They would drunk text each other and laugh about it later. They made lunch dates. Lunch an hour away from me, during work.
I tried to play catch up, calling each of them and leaving messages. Somehow those messages did not get thru? Or did I need an answer? My message had not been clear…why had I called? They would look at each other blankly when I asked why someone had not returned my calls.
It was very confusing, I could not understand what I was doing wrong.
My wake up came when one of the group landed in the emergency room. Almost a month passed before I found out. “Yeah, you were not there” one said, when I exclaimed that I had not known and was sorry she had been ill. “Who was it that called me when it happened? Is there a call list?” I asked, and was not answered.
Eventually the group fell apart, and my bitterness probably contributed. The thing is, not one of these friends intended to hurt me or leave me out. There was no vicious campaign behind my back.
They were enthusiastic about each other and did not realize they had neglected one of their invitees. And there was nothing compelling enough about their friendship towards me that made it a surmountable problem.
It took awhile to gain that wisdom. I am glad to have learned it. Because now I have friends who really are genuinely excited to know me, and I feel the same towards them.
Let your weird light shine, so your fellow weirdos can find you! Silly but true words.